


This City

by Lord_Byron_Mudkippington



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, F/F, Heartache, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:08:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28071474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Byron_Mudkippington/pseuds/Lord_Byron_Mudkippington
Summary: Maki struggles to keep going after breaking up with the love of her life.
Relationships: Koizumi Hanayo/Toujou Nozomi, Nishikino Maki/Toujou Nozomi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 14





	This City

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic1l36GrNOU

Maki always seemed to have restless dreams nowadays. Nozomi was always in them, standing just out of reach from her desperate hands. She'd call to her and get no response. She'd walk towards her and she'd move away. Every dream made her cry, much more than she ever would in the waking world. Then she'd snap awake, with the covers kicked off the bed, her shirt riding up her stomach, and being covered in a cold sweat. She'd wipe the stray tears out of her eyes and reach across the bed for Nozomi. The other side of the bed was always empty. Having a king-sized bed was a curse when you were alone.

She sat up and wiped the sweat off her forehead, sniffling. It was pathetic how miserable she was. When had she ever allowed herself to be so pitiable? Maki Nishikino needed no pity, and yet... With a sigh, she got out of bed, stepping over the fallen covers as she headed for the bathroom. She ran the shower water hot and stripped out of her pajamas, stepping under the shower head and grunting at the sting. At least she probably deserved it.

Nozomi's body wash was still on the rack hanging off the wall. She grimaced at it, then grabbed it and squeezed it onto her loofa. It was self-destructive behavior: she didn't need to be a therapist to know that. Still, she felt a perverse sense of sad comfort at having that familiar lavender scent covering her body. In those moments, she could believe the two of them were still together. When she closed her eyes, she could almost feel Nozomi's presence in that large shower, all soaped up and teasingly pressed against her. Now those sensations were phantoms.

As much as she wanted to lie in bed and mope for the rest of her life, she had to keep working. Getting a doctor's pay meant working like one too, so she sluggishly put on her outfit and headed down to the hospital. Classical music came through the speakers as she drove, but she barely paid attention to it. In her mind, the cheery psychedelia that Nozomi loved was playing instead, and it made her feel empty and nauseous. 

Just like every work day, she went through it in a daze. It was wrong of her to not pay enough attention to her patients, but her mind was just in another place. When she had to do something that required a steady hand and great focus, she would drink enough coffee to kill a sailor, then get through the procedure before crashing in the break room for hours. Sometimes she'd pass out around 16:00 and it'd be pitch black by the time she was roused again. Not that it mattered to her. Time was a construct. It moved in strange, erratic patterns since they had broken up.

As she was wandering down the halls in a daze, she saw something she didn't expect: purple hair. She froze in place, barely getting a glimpse before the owner of said hair went behind the wall. Without thinking, she broke into a sprint, her footsteps slamming on the linoleum as she chased after Nozomi. Why was she there? Had she gotten hurt? Maybe... Maybe she wanted to get back together. The foolish hope stirred feelings in her struggling heart, and she ran as fast as she could, nearly sending a hospice worker into the wall.

"Nozomi!" She put a hand on her shoulder, watching as she turned around with wide, surprised green eyes. Wait... green? No, that wasn't the right shade. She took a step back, and realized she had made a mistake. This woman wasn't Nozomi. Yes, she had purple hair and a very similar body type, but her hair was too short. It didn't even reach her shoulders. She had just accosted a random woman. "I... I'm sorry, I... thought you were someone else..." She looked away, feeling hot with embarrassment.

"It's okay," the woman replied, smiling. "I wish I was who you were looking for, cutie." With a wink, she kept walking down the hall, Maki watching her leave. She even _acted_ like Nozomi. It was as uncanny as it was disappointing. Sighing deeply, she shuffled back the other way like a zombie. Work couldn't end soon enough.

* * *

In her dreams, she could say all the right things. She could apologize to Nozomi for the way she acted, and she could take more time off of work to spend with the woman she loved. In those dreams, the two of them would dance together, smiling and laughing as they waltzed across the floor. Even with an entire room full of eyes on them, they would continue to dance. They would share a kiss, and everything would feel right. Then she would wake up alone, and it was wrong, so wrong.

On the rare day off she allowed herself to have, she ended up taking a walk into the busier side of the city. Being inside made her feel like she was surrounded by ghosts, being trapped by them, haunted. So she put on a jacket and headed out, her hands shoved into her pockets. Of course, she should have realized going outside was a mistake. Everything about her life was at that point.

She should have known better than to walk on a route that would take her by a place that was significant to her former relationship. By the time she realized where she was, the gravity of the situation had already crushed her. It was a little cafe where she and Nozomi had first met. She had been a patron, and Nozomi had been working there part-time while at university. Nozomi had shamelessly flirted with her the entire time she was there, and even left her number scrawled on the receipt. She was, of course, annoyed and embarrassed, but she still called that number in the end. At the time, it was the best decision of her life.

Nozomi was at that cafe again. It was the first time Maki had seen her in weeks. She wanted to say something, anything, but what would she say? Besides, Nozomi wasn't alone. She was standing next to a table, hugging another woman. It wasn't someone Maki recognized: she was short and plain-looking, with mussy golden-brown hair. She was cute, and she was in Nozomi's arms. From where she was standing, Maki could see the way they looked in each other's eyes. It was sickeningly familiar.

Not wanting to be seen by either of them, she hid behind a tree and hiked her jacket up to try and cover the back of her head. She was hyperventilating, having a panic attack when she really didn't need one. Keeping her jacket up like she was hiding from creditors, she skulked away from the cafe, catching a hint of laughter coming from the woman of her affections. She wanted to throw up.

From a distance, she couldn't help but stop and look back. They were sitting at the table now, and she was sure they were smiling and having a good time together. The scent of lavender swirled around her, and she started to cry. People who passed her stared at her like she was some sort of freak, then walked past without stopping to ask if she was okay. She didn't expect them to. They got a show as they watched the Nishikino heiress fall apart.

She was finally able to tear herself away from a scene that she didn't want to watch, yet couldn't look away from. As she walked away, towards anywhere but there, she could hear her heart cracking like glass, shattering into little pieces and falling below her ribcage. She was so damn pathetic.

* * *

It was 20:00, and she was on call. She had been up since 4:00 and was running on fumes and coffee by that point. Though she was on unsteady legs and looked like a half-drunk zombie, it was better than being at home. At least, she thought that was the case, until two familiar faces came bursting in the front door. Well, she didn't see one of those faces at first. It was obscured by the scene of a nurse wheeling them in on a stretcher. Her little whimpers of pain could be heard, but she wasn't yet sure who it was. She likely realized it in the back of her head when she saw that purple hair rushing in right behind the nurse. This time, there was no denying who owned it. There was no mistaking it this time.

She could see Nozomi's eyes widen as she passed her, but she didn't stop. She kept running with the nurse, leaving Maki alone again. Her body felt like jelly in that instant, but she made herself walk on shaky legs towards where they were going. It was like she was walking in a fog, her eyes partially shut as her head lolled from side to side. Nothing felt real.

Nozomi was sitting outside of a surgery room, looking sick with worry. This was a moment of incredible dread and anticipation. She wanted to turn around and hide in the further part of the hospital away from where Nozomi was. At the same time, her feelings for Nozomi were still as strong as they had ever been, and seeing her there alone made her want to be reckless with her mental health. So of course she walked directly over to her.

"Hey," she murmured, tentatively taking a seat next to Nozomi. She looked at her, eyes wide and tear-stained. Maki couldn't look at her too long, though. Her stomach was doing backflips, as if it was being forcibly turned by a group of butterflies. She stared at her feet, feeling like she might cry as well. "What, uh... What happened?" Her voice broke, like she was going through puberty again.

"Panachii has appendicitis," Nozomi whispered back, her voice choked up with emotion. "I had to call an ambulance for her. I hope she'll be alright." Maki finally gathered up the courage to look at her again. She really did look worried, her hands clasped together in her lap as she fidgeted. Something in her mind wanted her to let Nozomi know that things were going to be alright, even if she had no idea what was going on in there.

"I... I'm sure it'll be alright. This is a great hospital, and all the doctors here are very capable. Panachii is in good hands." Saying that name made her feel a bit of bile rise in her throat, but she swallowed it down. She wanted to see Nozomi smile despite it all. If she had to make her feel better about the new girl she was dating, than she would. What kind of name was 'Panachii' anyway? Apparently it was funny enough to make Nozomi giggle. "What? What's so funny?" She pouted, crossing her arms.

"Nothing, nothing. You're just the same old Maki." Her smile was soft as she gently hugged Maki. Having Nozomi so close to her for the first time in weeks made her entire body kick into overdrive. She could hear the blood roaring in her ears. "Thank you, Maki. It means a lot to hear you say that. And you're right: this is a great hospital. You work here, after all." Her smile was so genuine, but the same old love wasn't in her eyes. It was a look of the past: a look of friendship. Nothing more.

"Yeah, of course." She tried to smile, channeling the happiest moments of their time together that she could. However, thinking back to the happier times only made her want to burst into tears. If she stayed there any longer, she'd have another breakdown. "Shoot," she muttered, grabbing onto her pager as if it had beeped. "I'm needed in the ICU. Will you be okay waiting for her out here?"

"Of course. Thanks again, Maki." They hugged once more, then with Nozomi's smile and scent burned into her mind, she got up and walked as calmly as she could out of view. The second she was hidden behind a wall, she started crying. She fell to her knees, heart pounding as she started dry heaving. Her head was spinning, and it didn't even matter if another doctor came and found her like that. She was too down to even consider that.

Happiness would never truly grace her life again. She had lost the love of her life, and she had lost her reason to keep living. Everything she did was like a zombie because she hadn't been able to save the one thing that made her truly smile. Slowly she picked herself up, stumbling with an empty expression towards Gods know where. She was just another lost soul, swallowed up within this city.


End file.
